UPDATED: OCTOBER 5TH, 2016
If there’s one thing all men can agree on, it’s that being hit in the balls hurts. A lot. We may not have a clue about the agony of childbirth, but when it comes to having your crown jewels impacted upon there’s no greater feeling to unify a gender.
Some sadistic directors are full aware of this. While common in slapstick no matter how painful, there is something seriously funny about seeing a guy hit hard in the nards - the most grotesque, gasp-inducing moments tend to come in more straight faced pieces, using the tone to disturb us beyond the length of the the film. There’s plenty of cases where horrific ball torture is merely anticipated Chopper, sick balls in Stand By Me and the laser scene from Goldfinger - and in some cases humour is found in no pain (Indy vs. the Nazi hulk in Raiders).
As memorable as all these moments are, here in this list we’re looking at the sheer horror/humour of the pain. So grab a stiff drink and prepare yourself as we run down ten of the worst ball busting scenes in cinema. Warning: Men may find this a rather painful experience.
8. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - Starting Now
Thanks to endless quoteability, a sharp sense of humour and The Greatest Cinematic Duo Of All Time, Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid managed to become one of the quintessential entries in a genre it was setting out to pastiche. But while for much of its run time it’s referencing back through the history of westerns, in the world of groin injuries it is a pioneer.
When the two return to the Hole-In-The-Wall, home of their eponymous gang, Butch’s leadership has been challenged by the gruff Harvey Logan (the same real life person Kid Curry from Alias Smith and Jones, a show inspired by this film, was based on). The dishonourable Harvey intends for an honourable fight, but the whipsmart Butch commits a most likeable case of cheating and knees Harvey in the balls before knocking him out in one punch.
This is the only really humorous entry on this list and places thanks to the brutality of the victim and the sheer casualness with which the pain is inflicted; coming from such an unexpected source guarantees that you will flinch.
7. Let The Right One In - If She Wasn’t A Girl
Tomas Alfredson’s Let The Right One In had some notable differences to its English language remake (or whatever director Matt Reeves claimed it was). Aside from the quality difference (one excellently shot car crash excluded), there was a distinct lack of subtlety to Let Me In, with key underlying mysteries being more obliquely solved.
But one plot strand that wasn’t touched on at all was Abby’s backstory, something tantalisingly hinted at in the Swedish original. It’s a short moment a mere flash as Oskar accidentally peeks in on Eli changing we see that instead of normal female genitalia Eli simply has a scar. It takes a moment for the shot to sink in, then the true meaning of Elis Would you still like me even if I wasn’t a girl sinks in.
The original novel (and a deleted scene from the film) provides us some concrete explanation of this; in the ceremony where boy Eli became a vampire, he was castrated and now lives life as a forever young girl. Despite the suggestive nature of this, it provokes fearful thoughts and cements the horror’s status.
6. Snakes On A Plane - Taking A Leak
Snakes On A Plane was a joke that went too far. It started in earnest, with a second-half-of-Alien style based of some elements of truth. Enter the Internet and the bonkers working title had people in a furore at the delicious B-Movie potential. Of course, as with every film that stringently tries to be a B-Movie, it failed, with the only part of the hype living on Samuel L. Jackson’s infamous line.
It makes this list, however, thanks to one of its numerous moments of outlandish violence. It may not be as expertly directed as Psycho’s shower scene, but it certainly will have the same disturbing effect as it, leaving you (no matter your gender) checking the toilet bowl.
Early on in the carnage, one of the plane’s many expendable victims visits the lavatory and has a snake attached in the most painful of places. Not the most likeable guy, were not too sad to see him go, but the sheer horror of imagining something clasping down on your own snake sticks with you long after the film has been forgotten.
5. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Electroshock Treatment
They may be better known for working together on Iron Man 3, but eight years before the Mandarin Shane Black and Robert Downey, Jr. made a movie with even more energetic style. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was, among other things, a tongue in cheek exploration of Hollywood it proved instrumental in getting star Downey Jr. the role of Tony Stark, which in turn paved the way for Black taking the Iron Man 3 job (talk about full circle).
Chock full of sharply written and visual exciting sequences, it’s a shocking (sadly, the pun was intended) torture scene that makes this list. Tied up with electrodes attached to where nothing should ever be clamped following a winding plot that there isn’t time to explain here, Gay Perry (a brilliant Val Kilmer) devises an escape plan that involves poor Harry (Downey Jr.) having to suffer repeated electric shocks.
Maybe it’s the look on Harry’s face, in agony and confused why his friend is putting him through this, or the cold lighting of the scene, but this never fails to leave us cringing in sympathy.
4. Inglourious Basterds - Barroom Shootout
Tarantino isn’t above a good bullet to the crotch moment; Django Unchained had Candies lackey Cash getting rightfully punished and Pulp Fiction has a violated Marcellus Wallace enact revenge on captor Zed with a shotgun. But it a standout scene in his 2009 return to form that makes this list.
In the film’s best scene not containing Christoph Waltz’s Oscar-winning performance as Jew Hunter Hans Landa, we see Michael Fassbender’s British actor team up with the titular vengeance gang and pose as a Nazi soldier to liaise with German film star Bridget von Hammersmark as part of their plan to kill the Führer. The plan goes awry when a German officer notices something afoot; Lieutenant Hicox puts up a good show, but in a typical Tarantino-esque flourish, a small social tick gives him away.
In an R-rated version of Han shot first, both have their guns pointed at the others balls. It racks up the tension in a scene that already had the audience on edge and when it explodes (this is Tarantino after all), no man can help but wince at the cruellest of deaths for the Nazi, despite it being particularly graphic or even all that suggestive.
3. Casino Royale - Scratching Bonds Balls
Skyfall may have had Silva feeling Bond up, but a bit of unwanted touching pales in comparison to the torture 007 received in Daniel Craig’s debut. Caught by Le Chiffre, newly promoted double-0 has to put his loyalty to Queen and country to the test as he is whipped to reveal the code to a very rewarding bank account. In a moment of pure masochism, Bond willingly goads Le Chiffre into whipping his privates, gleefully mocking ”The whole world will know you scratched my balls.”
If up until that point in Martin Campbell’s gritty reboot of the franchise you thought we were still in Brosnan’s world of John Cleese, invisible cars and short haired women (although why would you be after the black and white opener, shunning of the tropes and Vespers despair), this scene furiously thrashed those thoughts away.
This scene isn’t present just to shock however; it is a very stark demonstration of Bond’s devotion and key part of his decision to leave MI6 out of love for Vesper. It’s worth nothing that as a 12A/PG-13, Casino Royale is the lowest rated and most gruesome scenes on this list. As someone worn out by the constant dumbing down of blockbusters to fit the lucrative family market, this is leg crossingly fresh.
2. Antichrist - Bloody Masturbation
It’s not surprising to see Lars von Trier on a list of sensitisation. Be it stupid comments (Hitler had some good ideas) or destroying relationships (Shia LaBeouf’s girlfriend was less than happy after the actor announcing plans to have hardcore sex Nymphomaniac), he is a man willingly wrought with controversy and would probably be quite disheartened to not see his abhorrent horror Antichrist not top this list.
In a sort of attempt at a Don’t Look Now homage (sadly lacking In Bruges dwarf), Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg move away from home to deal with their child’s death. But instead of exploring death and madness in bleak off season Venice, we get grotesque horror in the woods.
One of the films most well known (and deplored) scenes comes at its climax, where a fully psychotic Gainsbourg masturbates Defoes penis until it bleeds. I’ll give you a moment. Maybe not quite as bad as the film’s later female castration by rusty scissors, it is still a moment that seals the films reputation as one of the most graphic horror films ever.
1. Hard Candy The Entire Fricking Second Act
There’s a lot of respect to be had for films that make you empathise with those who you really shouldn’t: Goodfellas aligns you with a coke-addicted gangsters; The Iron Lady makes you sympathise for the most despised Prime Ministers in history; the Total Recall remake makes you feel for Colin Farrell’s career. But most shocking of all is Hard Candy, which in a Daily Mail angering move not only attempts to, but succeeds in making you feel for a paedophile.
The film pits a teenage Ellen Page (in her first major film role) against Patrick Wilson’s is-he-isn’t-he paedophile. And while at first it looks like Wilson’s Jeff is marginally in control, the tables soon turn, with Page quickly revealing she’s been the one hunting him down. But the film doesn’t stagnate after this intriguing premise, instead pushing it as far as is possible.
Page’s Hayley drugs and ties up Jeff, calmly explaining that she is going to perform a rudimentary castration on him, much to his (and the audience’s) horror. The majority of the film’s second act is the build up to and the eventual act, shown to us and Jeff by a painfully angled camera feed. The look on Jeff’s face of first horror, then acceptance is something that conveys the act better than any Saw-like gore could.
Some people could read the film as showing a bad man getting his what he deserves, but the emphasis on the suffering makes it something much deeper; in this most horrendous act director David Slade is making us question whether such heinous crimes deserve the horrific punishments the tabloids so often claim should be doled out.
The surgery ends with a rather calming twist; it was all an ruse. Hayley has merely clasped his ball sack and shown a medical training video. But the mental damage is done, to both Jeff and the audience; we won’t be sleeping safe tonight.
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